It is undeniable that our youth have experienced a tremendous increase in stress over the past several years. From floods and hurricanes to international pandemics and a rise in the incidence of in-school violence, our children have been bombarded with stressors at an alarming rate. That is why it comes as no surprise that according to the World Health Organization, one in 7 teens will experience a mental health disorder (1). What did surprise me was that 60% of youth diagnosed with Major Depression do not receive any mental health treatment (2). I could spend an eternity researching the systems and barriers that make access to mental health difficult for us all. That is important work- but the situation seems more imminent to me, so instead I will share 3 easy to implement strategies for helping with your child’s mental wellness. These strategies can be used at any age- and they are beneficial to you as well.

 

#1 Normalize talking openly about mental health struggles in your family.

Look- if you do not want the entire city to know you struggle with panic attacks after Hurricane Harvey or that your bouts of Depression become so debilitating that you find it impossible to get out of bed for weeks at a time- that is your prerogative.  But please do not hide these things from your children. First of all, I promise you that they already know when you are struggling. What they internalize by witnessing your silence is that it is not ok to talk about the struggle. And if you don’t open up about the things that are hard, neither will they. Children do what we do, not what we say. That means we have to show our children how to have vulnerable conversations about how we feel. It also means modeling for them how to ask, and graciously receive, help when we need it.  Verbalizing how we feel is a skill. It takes practice. And if we fail to practice, the skill will atrophy. Start today, while the kids are scrambling to get ready for school or when you sit down for dinner…and try not to overthink it. 

Whoooo- today was hard. I felt really frustrated when I missed my alarm and was late for work. What tough feelings happened for you today? (yes this works on toddlers and teens too).

#2 Teach your kids Coping Skills.

I have been a Licensed Professional Counselor for over 21 years. Humans go through many, many trials and challenges and most are unable to even define what a coping skill is. 

Try it yourself right now. 

No Cheating! 

I define coping skill as: (verb) an activity engaged in to mitigate the intensity of an emotion. (see the Merriam Webster definition in the resources.)  It is not meant to distract or help stuff an emotion, but to lessen the severity of it enough that we can manage it in the moment. I have used the same method to help people develop a viable list of coping skills for decades. Let’s do it together right now, and then go teach your kids. 

Step 1: Grab a piece of paper. Write the alphabet down the side.

Step 2: Come up with an activity for each letter. 

There are 2 rules. 

1. No maladaptive coping skills- alcohol, napping, gambling. They do not get a spot on the list. 

2. Do not put anything on the list that you will not do. If you won’t go for a run- then Running cannot be your ‘R”. 

Step 3: Practice one for 15 minutes every day. If it does not work, cross it out. Then, add something new for that letter. 

I have kept my list on the refrigerator since my kids started elementary school. When a coping skill does not work anymore (and that happens when they become too familiar), I cross it off and add a new one.  See what I did there? I modeled to my daughters that intense emotions happen to adults and that it is important to have a plan on how to manage them. I encourage you to try this exercise with your children today. Maybe next month I will teach about the different types of coping skills. 

#3 Ask Questions. 

Please spend some time each day asking your children open ended questions about their feelings, their day, and their friendships. Then REALLY listen to the response. We struggled with this in our family, so I implemented the now infamous conversation cards. You can grab a deck for under $20 or use some index cards and make up your own. Some are fun and superficial like which celebrity do you wish you could meet and why. Some are deep and thought provoking like how would you change the world if you could. Many are about shared experiences and memories together. The point here is to model and encourage vulnerable conversations about deep topics. Lastly, If you think your child may be suicidal- ask them! Literally and directly. “Have you ever thought about hurting yourself?” Asking them will not put the idea in their heads, but it may save their life. Let’s make talking about feelings and struggles, and everything in between, so familiar that it does not feel as daunting anymore…at least within our own family.

Talking about mental health can be difficult for all of us. Important strategies to protecting the mental wellness of our children can happen early and often in our own families. Be authentic about your own struggles, develop a coping skill list together, and ask your children how they feel. These easy to implement strategies will help every member of your family get more comfortable with being open about mental health. 

Resources 

(1)Adolescent mental health (who.int) 

(2)22 Facts & Statistics on Mental Health for Teens and Young Adults (guidedoc.com)

(3) Cope Definition & Meaning – Merriam-Webster

 

Help is Available: 

“988” is the three-digit, nationwide phone number to connect directly to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. By calling or texting 988, you’ll connect with mental health professionals with the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, formerly known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Veterans can press “1” after dialing 988 to connect directly to the Veterans Crisis Lifeline which serves our nation’s Veterans, service members, National Guard and Reserve members, and those who support them. For texts, Veterans should continue to text the Veterans Crisis Lifeline short code: 838255.

At TeenLine, teens can get support from trained peer counselors by texting TEEN to 839-863 every day from 6 p.m. to 9 p.m. Pacific Time (9 p.m. to midnight Eastern). 

The Trevor Project supports LGBTQ youth. Text START to 678-678 or call 866-488-7386 or chat with them directly from their site.

Trans LifeLine offers 24-7 support for the trans community when you call 877-565-8860.